A Simple Struggle in Idaho

Statehouse hosts discussion of adding words to Idaho Human Rights Act - www.kivitv.com

 I love Idaho and it's people. I love Boise. I am stunned that our legislature cannot move forward on something that is so fundamental that most of my friends just assume it is already a part of state law, equal protection for LGBT people. I am stunned that our legislature has plenty of time to vote on a resolution asking the FCC to more stringently enforce "standards of decency" in television programming. One is a measure to ensure everyone has the ability to earn a living, to secure housing and to be a safe, productive citizen. The other is a reaction to naughty TV. This small change to the Idaho Human Rights act has been bandied about for 7 years. What does this say about our state legislators?

What's up Buttercup?

So what are the standout things that have been happening? What have I learned lately? How is my life different after 4 months of a new existence???

Well, I enjoy my gal friends a lot more now that they understand who I really am.  And I know that hair spray in your eyeball hurts, and then you're mascara runs and it will only happen when you are almost late for a meeting at work first thing in the morning. I know that a nice pair of warm snow boots gets you into the office where you can slip on your nicer shoes. I know that shared confidences are treasures. I know that going to lunch with a friend on a whim rocks! I know that having the right outfit on the right day gives you a certain power. And that when your friends tell you, "You look great in that color" you should listen.

I know that coloring your hair so it matches your wig means you don't have to hide so much. And I know that pulling some of your hair through you wig cap means you can feel the breeze.

I know that standing in front of a judge and having him declare that you are now legally Dianne is exciting. And especially if four of your friends from "the community" are with you to share it, and then two women attorneys waiting for their cases catch your eye and give you big warm smiles.

I know that holding the fresh new grandbaby of a friend, whose daughter you've known since she was 9 or 10, is pretty awsome.  I know that having co-workers call you "sweetie" or "girl" makes you blush, and they say it because they care about you and mean it.

I know that having your son and daughter in law exclude you from their lives, and your grandchildren's lives, makes you wonder where you went wrong as a parent.  But then you know that it had to work out this way because it is just part of your journey through life.

And I know that having the right people in your life makes your life, Right. And it's priceless!

And mostly I know how lucky I am.

Pissed off???

Honestly, I don't have an undue fascination with the ladies room. I'm just amazed at how inflammatory it is.

Riki Wilchins wrote a great commentary about her restroom travails 30 years into transition. It scared the you know what out of me! What the heck chance do I have to avoid bladder disease if she has issues in public restrooms after 30 years! Some of the comments were strident trans responses. Some of the comments were strident feminist responses. I couldn't help but respond as follows because this whole thing just tires me out. Sometimes I think that SRS isn't the real answer, getting a giant bladder implant is the answer.


My comment on the article at http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2013/02/07/op-ed-its-womens-room-and-other-bathroom-complications

 Thanks! Seriously!  Finally, Nedra Johnson  has linked to some "men/crossdressers disguising themselves to commit crimes" articles. ( http://gendertrender.wordpress.com/2011/05/28/men-love-the-ladies-restroom-transgender-edition/ )  I looked and looked for something like this a while ago. Unfortunately, all I could find were dozens of incidents where trans women had been beaten or assaulted for using the women's room for simple, legal bodily functions. The gal in Baltimore had the additional misfortune of being videoed while she lay on the floor having been beaten into a seizure while people laughed! This link, and the other somewhat trans related incidents, do show that there is some incredibly tiny shred of truth to the "Trannies in the Rest Room" meme. So should we be segregated because a small number of vaguely trans people have been involved in crimes in restrooms? Should we keep brown haired people from driving because of the number of brown haired people who have been involved in fatal car crashes?

I totally understand women just wanting to pee in peace. That's all I want to do also. I don't want to get shouted at, I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, I don't want to get beaten into a seizure. I know it's selfish, but I also don't want to be judged as a potential rapist because a quirk of molecules made me get born as a guy. If you met me and knew me, not just saw me in the restroom, you would find it crazy to think of me as a threat. An that's true for almost every trans woman I've met, I throw in the "almost" simply to be cautious. I'm just trying to quietly go about my life. Riki is just trying to go quietly about her life. EVERY transitioning trans person I know is trying to just go quietly about their lives, and there is no "almost" there.

This doesn't come from some sort of latent "male privilege." It comes from simple human dignity. I'm not demanding entry into the sacrosanct refuge of womyn born womyn. I just want to go pee without confrontation. Honest, I'm quiet and clean and safe. So what do we do? How do we fix this? As a culture we gave up on segregating black people. So can we start on this now? Can we just see someone who looks a bit more husky or square jawed than most other women and not assume that they are an imminent threat?

Fresh Starts

It's almost the 3 month mark. Three months ago I lived in the public view as a guy. But away from work I was most often a woman. The transitions back and forth took a toll but it was the price I needed to pay up front to be able to craft my future life into a stable and comfortable world. A couple of times I had particularly jarring phase shifts where I was out and about with friends as Dianne and had to run home, wash off my face, pull off my hair and race off to fill an obligation as my male host organism. Transforming in 10 minutes from Middle Aged Mall Mom to Dumpy Geek Guy was painful. I glanced in the mirror on the way out to make sure I didn't have mascara on my cheeks and came very close to crying. I was gone, I went away, but I knew I would be back. I drew strength from the knowledge that there was a plan and that I would soon be able to just be me all the time. I knew I could then stop going to the market across town where I could hide. I knew I could then answer my phone with only one name and with utter confidence that there were no secrets. I knew it would be better and much simpler then.

Well, "Then" is "Now."

I am in the New Normal. A friend at work commented that she can't even imagine me as a guy anymore. Dianne is just normal to her. I was sitting and talking with my two closest co-workers and one of them commented on my cool new black flats with sparkle rhinestones on the toes. She said, "If you had told a year ago that I would be complimenting you on your Beadazzled ballet flats I would have said you were Nuts!" It's the new normal. The lady in the mirror isn't a wish any more, it's just me! I check my lipstick, floof my hair and give myself a big wink as I head out the door. I'm not filling my male hosts obligations anymore. I am just living my life in the New Normal.

There are probably 9 or 10 new people in my personal and work lives that NEVER KNEW the guy me. They might know that my past is unusual, but they don't know how recently the corner was turned. They don't know how long I waited. They just know me as an outgoing woman, or suspected Trans Woman, from work or through mutual friends. In a week we will be getting a new manager. He's been clued in, which is quite fair since it is so very fresh. This saves me from having to have "a conversation" with him and it saves him from an uncomfortable revelation if he happened to belong to one of the prevalent cults that views us as abominations or fractured individuals. And in a way it allowed my employer tell him that this is viewed as Normal.

Yes, I'm in the New Normal and it is so comfortable. The whizzy Gender Buzz that was always distracting me is gone. I'm not worried, I'm not angry or frustrated, I don't feel put upon any more. I'm just Dianne living in my New Normal meeting new people and in new situations where I get to make a fresh start. There may come a time when everybody in my life will have a hard time trying to remember what I was like before. Then there will come a time when they don't even try. Then I will just be...

Normal

How Beautiful is This?

This amazingly touching and beautiful commercial came to me via the wonderful web site "We Happy Trans*" We see so many embarassing, demeaning depictions of trans people in the media. Ads where the trans person or their "ambiguity" is the punch line. This one makes me proud and gives me hope, and makes me cry...

And please explore Jen's terrific We Happy Trans* site. She is part of the lovely newer generation of trans people who are coming into a positive time where shame may become a useless thing of the past!

Floor Please?

WOW,

It's been a whole/just 2 months since I came out to everyone and prepared to live my life full time as an honest "Me."  I look back and can't believe that I ever lived any other way! It has been fantastic at work and the people have been wonderful. I am amazingly more engaged with (almost) everyone in my life! On Friday I had lunch with a business friend and we just had simple girl chat and talked about friends and family, the holidays, work-life balance, manicures and coloring hair. What the heck did I talk about back in September at lunches? I Dunno!

Before I went to lunch, one of my co-workers, "B" got a call from a mutual friend, "J", who was unexpectedly early in the lobby of our building and taking B to lunch. B had to "stop off in private" before she went down so I trotted off to see J downstairs. As I headed out I asked B, "Oh, does J know that I've made changes?'"  B said, "No, but she'll be fine."  Well I get down there, step off the elevator and J's jaw drops and she rushes over and gave me a huge hug! She grabbed my face and looked me in the eyes and started to cry. We both stood there sniffing and weeping and carrying on until B came down and then the three of us hugged and wept and carried on! J's face and her energy reminded me so much of my departed Mom many years ago that when she said, "I am just so proud of you!" I just about lost it. It was so affirming and I felt so Loved.

The thing that makes me feel so Blessed is that the love and acceptance I got from J is what I've gotten from so many people. I cannot believe how lucky I have been! I know so very very many trans people who have had such suffering and so much pain. I had accepted that I would have that also, especially since it is what I always had in the past. But I haven't had that, and I feel like I've won the Grand Prize! Sometimes I worry that someone is going to tap me on the shoulder and tell me that there was a mistake and they need to take me back where I was. I also try to tone it down with my trans peers  because I don't want to come off like some boastful thing. I know that my experience is not typical,  but I think it's getting more feasible every day! It is possible. But again, my life is not typical.

So the loss? I can't run into work 15 minutes after I roll out of bed any more, but that's bad for your constitution anyway. I have also lost whatever tenuous relationship I had with my son and daughter in law, and grandson. And that is hard. I reached out to them and asked about us coming by to drop off Christmas and Grandson  Birthday presents. I said I would do Guy but that I wasn't going to get a haircut or have my nails soaked off. I would not be who I am everywhere else. My son replied quite flatly, "No." He said that any "dressing" was too much and they would not have their son exposed to me. 

I am "dangerous." 

I know I didn't raise a bigot so I guess he learned it somewhere else. I sent them a politely pointed email in reply saying how I felt and that they could expect me to keep reaching out to them. It also pointed out that I had tried to compromise and been rejected and that I had been patient and told that patience would not be rewarded. And I couldn't help but underscore that I have a conservatively estimated 150 people in my life who accept me including politically conservative LDS Moms, Marines and Harvard educated attorneys and that my son and daughter in law represented the only two total people who have flatly rejected me. That's a 98.7% approval rating and I consider that a landslide victory! Their total rejection does hurt. And I may not see my grandson, or the second baby they are expecting, for many years, if ever again, but I would have to say it is still completely worth it for the amazing improvement in the way I feel about life. 

Every growth journey involves some loss. The hope is that the tears of joy can balance out the tears of pain. So far for me the tears of joy are winning!

TRANSGENDER RESTROOM KERFUFFLE

I posted this on my favorite Canadian newspaper blog. There is a bill in the Canadian Parliament to amend the Canadian Human Rights Act to include gender identity and expression protections. The element of the bill that has raised the most "kerfuffle" is restroom access for trans people. Yup! The old chestnut of "Trannies in the Ladies Room!" (And, yes, I advisedly used the potentially inflammatory word "trannies" specifically due to it's emotional tone)  Conservative Canadians have drug out the imagined threat of sexual predators invading the women's restroom to carry out assaults on natal women and children. I am seriously looking for any record of any such assault having ever taken place!!! This search is becoming a hobby for me...  And I don't mean embarrassing Colleen Francis episodes where individual judgment and social comfort diverge, I mean actual incidents involving predatory behavior carried out by trans people in restrooms. So please, comment and re-post and help me find actual evidence!




I have been following Ottawa's progress on Bill C-279 with keen interest. I'm frustrated but not surprised to see it bogging down on the washroom issue. I understand the underlying feelings about allowing trans people into the Ladies room. What I don't understand is the rationale applied that there is a very specific threat of child molesters invading these spaces for predatory purposes. This meme keeps surfacing in North America and I just can't help but wonder what tiny kernel of fact can back it up?

Not long ago I spent a weekend of free internet time doggedly trying to find evidence that any trans person, or anyone pretending to be a trans person, had ever lurked in a restroom with criminal intent. All I could find were dozens and dozens of hits where people raised the dire warning of the impending threat of predators just waiting to be descend once they were given free rein. The closest I came was one young trans woman who used the men's  room for a semi-consensual encounter with an underage teenage boy. There are many jurisdictions where trans women are allowed to use the Ladies room. Why haven't those areas seen cases of trans or faux-trans people lurking in the washroom?

Well, what else did I find in my Google frenzy? A frightening number of trans women who had been harassed or assaulted for using the women's bathroom. One young trans woman in the U.S. was beaten into a seizure at a fast food restaurant for using the women's room. I found a website (www.safe2pee.org) that provides a directory of safe places for trans people to relieve themselves. I found reasonable people using these incidents and statistics to push for accommodations allowing trans people access to safe facilities. So yes, I did find evidence of a persistent threat of violence at the door of the women's washroom. It's just not the one that legislators in Ottawa, or Tennessee or any number of places, are bellowing about. It's the threat that an entitled majority posses to a minority. 

So here, again, I implore anyone to show links to real factual evidence of dangerous trans people prowling restrooms. I'm sure someone will bring up the person in a Texas hospital who was confronted when using a women's room who also had a criminal record of sexual crimes. But that logic would also keep anyone who had ever written a bad check from using a bank or anyone who had ever caused a serious accident from driving. While those are attractive things to consider, no reasonable person would begin to consider keeping all brown haired people from driving because ONE brown haired person had caused an horrific fatal accident.

It is a sticky question, but how much of the question relates to the "Ick Factor" of honest discomfort and how much is a truly clear and present danger?