Sunday, January 20, 2013
It's almost the 3 month mark. Three months ago I lived in the public view as a guy. But away from work I was most often a woman. The transitions back and forth took a toll but it was the price I needed to pay up front to be able to craft my future life into a stable and comfortable world. A couple of times I had particularly jarring phase shifts where I was out and about with friends as Dianne and had to run home, wash off my face, pull off my hair and race off to fill an obligation as my male host organism. Transforming in 10 minutes from Middle Aged Mall Mom to Dumpy Geek Guy was painful. I glanced in the mirror on the way out to make sure I didn't have mascara on my cheeks and came very close to crying. I was gone, I went away, but I knew I would be back. I drew strength from the knowledge that there was a plan and that I would soon be able to just be me all the time. I knew I could then stop going to the market across town where I could hide. I knew I could then answer my phone with only one name and with utter confidence that there were no secrets. I knew it would be better and much simpler then.
Well, "Then" is "Now."
I am in the New Normal. A friend at work commented that she can't even imagine me as a guy anymore. Dianne is just normal to her. I was sitting and talking with my two closest co-workers and one of them commented on my cool new black flats with sparkle rhinestones on the toes. She said, "If you had told a year ago that I would be complimenting you on your Beadazzled ballet flats I would have said you were Nuts!" It's the new normal. The lady in the mirror isn't a wish any more, it's just me! I check my lipstick, floof my hair and give myself a big wink as I head out the door. I'm not filling my male hosts obligations anymore. I am just living my life in the New Normal.
There are probably 9 or 10 new people in my personal and work lives that NEVER KNEW the guy me. They might know that my past is unusual, but they don't know how recently the corner was turned. They don't know how long I waited. They just know me as an outgoing woman, or suspected Trans Woman, from work or through mutual friends. In a week we will be getting a new manager. He's been clued in, which is quite fair since it is so very fresh. This saves me from having to have "a conversation" with him and it saves him from an uncomfortable revelation if he happened to belong to one of the prevalent cults that views us as abominations or fractured individuals. And in a way it allowed my employer tell him that this is viewed as Normal.
Yes, I'm in the New Normal and it is so comfortable. The whizzy Gender Buzz that was always distracting me is gone. I'm not worried, I'm not angry or frustrated, I don't feel put upon any more. I'm just Dianne living in my New Normal meeting new people and in new situations where I get to make a fresh start. There may come a time when everybody in my life will have a hard time trying to remember what I was like before. Then there will come a time when they don't even try. Then I will just be...